Like any layoff, it’s unpleasant. Sometimes an employer can make the lay off process even more unpleasant. This was the case for me. I could not fathom how a ministry could handle something so sensitive so poorly, yet it was so. After I was let go, in the beginning I found myself stuck ruminating on the details and events leading up to the final day. Even now, at the oddest times, my mind slips into ruminating over details that now seem insignificant. Perhaps I’m coming to the end of purging and letting go. Perhaps I’m healing. But how does one overcome 7 years of some very unhealthy experiences? Yes I know the Christian response to that question. However my mind and heart are not completely aligned with the reality of that way of thinking and proceeding just yet. My time served there was not all bad. I met some wonderful people and was blessed with some wonderful experiences with those I still hold in my heart. Yet the very unhealthy experiences are loudest in my mind. I know there’s no way to exist in a broken world and not experience heartbreak and disappointment. I’m not disillusioned about the fact that Evil exists right alongside the things that bring us joy. But I find myself struggling with bitterness and feelings of betrayal even while I know my soul had grown sick from having remained there 7 years. It was a very dysfunctional environment. Perhaps my disillusionment and sadness stems from experiencing the unexpected in a Christian establishment that was very much like working in many secular organizations where dysfunctional people come together to attempt to meet a common goal, yet the goal is constantly changing and or lost in the midst of conflicts and disorganized human beings, and people getting hurt in the process and even while the leaders were aware, and many were part of the problems, they did nothing significant to change the environment.
I left bitterness behind from and in my past long ago, so I thought. Somehow here it has reared it’s ugliness, creeping into my heart, into my thoughts. Someone asked what’s been the difference between experiencing this lay off and other lay offs in the past? My answer is simple yet complex. Secular vs. Christianity. Boundaries in a secular work environment prevent the overlapping of professional and personal to a great extent. Secular allows and adheres to specific policies that is understood and cannot openly be violated without repercussions. In some ministries and in this case those policies are constantly violated and manipulated without any regard and there’s no way around it. It creates a sense of powerlessness.
So though I know that ALL of this, all that has taken place is in the palm of God’s hand and someday I’ll look back on the circumstances and see more of how God demonstrates His sovereignty, how He was moving and connecting pieces together all along, and hopefully how I’ve grown and become stronger as a result of my experiences with God holding me up with the righteousness of His right hand, right now it is a very painful walk to say the least and it has opened doors to things that I thought were laid to rest long ago. I don’t seem to have the energy to pursue the next or do much to help myself. It’s quite a chore to do things that once came so easily. Everyday looks and feels different. I hate feeling weakened yet I know in my weakness God’s strongness is revealed.
I know that God has a plan. He is at work. I’m a bit exhausted and weighed down and I know the only alternative is to truly surrender and go through the process of this dark night of the soul with Him instead of without to avoid succumbing completely to bitterness and resentment. Let go of the fact that things could have been handled in a way that wouldn’t have stripped me of my dignity and simply be grateful that my true worth and identity are in Christ. Let go of the negative experiences, hold on to the good, and be grateful for having been released from something that in the end was making my soul utterly and overwhelmingly sick.
My identity is in Christ. My identity is in Christ, and God is at work.
